It's a miracle to me, as I look back over my life, how the Lord has prepared me for the things that happen. The timing of things both baffles and amazes me. I do wish I would take the time to write these things down more often.
A few weeks before Dad B. passed away our Bishop asked us to pray for our neighbors. He told us that there is a lot of pain and suffering among our ward members that we just don't know about. It touched my heart and I did take that challenge. I tried to remember my neighbors and ward members in my prayers, and also specifically asked for direction in how to serve them. In the days that followed dad's passing, I reflected on these prayers. It brought me great comfort knowing that our neighbors had been praying for us, even before this trial.
The weeks after Dad's passing were filled and busy. First with the funeral arrangements and the Bulkley family being here, Mom B. leaving for Hawaii earlier than expected, then with the Spencer family being with us and Bailee's birthday. I reflected a lot in those days about the plan of salvation and the way God prepares us for trials. I remember thinking specifically about the peace that I feel knowing that our family is sealed together, forever, and that no matter what happens we are family.
These weeks after Dad's passing were also the weeks leading up to Maddox's birth. I didn't know that I was being prepared for another trial, but the Lord did. Mom and Dad S. had been asking to take Bailee for a week or two before Maddox came so that I could rest and do whatever I thought I needed to do to prepare for his arrival. I felt so strongly that she should stay, that I needed this time with her. There were moments when I wanted to let her go, that I tried to convince myself that it was my 'anxiety' talking, and I actually felt selfish for wanting to keep her with me. However, deep down I knew that I needed her. We spent time talking about the baby, planning for his homecoming, and doing what I thought was necessary to prepare Bailee for this change in our lives. I tried to spend as much time reading to her, playing with her, and focusing on her. I wanted to remind Bailee how much I loved her and needed her.
The morning we went to the hospital I was a little overwhelmed. I actually kept putting off leaving for the hospital because I suddenly felt un-prepared for this new baby. I worried about leaving while Bailee was asleep. I didn't want her to wake up to find us gone, I didn't know if I had prepared her well enough. I was so happy to see her when Grammy S. brought her to the hospital shortly before Maddox arrived. I was sad when I knew that they would be taking our baby right to the NICU when he was born, and that she would have to wait to see him. I hadn't prepared her for that. She only saw Maddox briefly as he was rushed past her to the NICU. As the hours passed and we waited to have Maddox with us, Bailee and I talked and rested and watched Hannah Montana. And we waited.
When the Dr.'s came to tell us that Maddox was very sick and needed to go to PCMC, I thought of Bailee. How could I have prepared her for this? What do I say to her now? How can I answer her questions when I have so many questions of my own? How could I possibly rush off to be with Maddox and leave Bailee alone? How could I not? I again thought of our neighbors praying for us, and was grateful. I knew that those prayers would get our family through whatever was ahead of us. God had prepared us, and we would be ok.
I will never forget that first walk down the hall of the PICU. I looked at these parents next to these sweet little children and wondered how in the world they could look so calm and even happy. I was trying to imagine how they were dealing with such a trial, and my heart ached for them. How can you prepare for something like this? I didn't know if my son was going to live or die. I didn't even really understand what was wrong or what the Dr.'s could do for him. I certainly didn't know that those nurses and Dr.'s gathered around were truly angels. What I did know is that our family was forever. I was grateful to have that peace and knowledge come into my heart. Whatever was ahead of us would be hard, but with the Lord on our side we could handle it.
I was amazed at how quickly I became comfortable in the PICU and with the medical terms used to describe what was going on. Strange as it sounds, PCMC is a little piece of heaven on earth. Miracles occur their continuously and there is a spirit there like no where else I've been. As I came to know the nurses, dr.'s and other families around us I was continually reminded of how blessed we are. We saw a lot of hard things there, and it seemed so strange to me that I could actually be grateful for the trial we had. But I was. And I am.
Even through the scariest of times, which was definitely when Maddox had the infection, I felt such peace in the Lord's plan. I remember when we were taught about the feeding tube, the medications, and the pic line thinking how familiar this felt. I thought often that it seemed wrong to be so comfortable with this stuff. Why wasn't I more frightened? Where were the nerves? How was it possible that I was feeling confident about caring for Maddox and handling all of his medical needs? There's only one answer. The Lord has been preparing me for this my entire life. There are specific trials and experiences that I have had that are helping me now. Things that I was not grateful for, things that I had often wished had never happened. I couldn't see the big picture.
Some of this experience comes from being Tressa's sister. I helped my parents care for her. I learned about her medications and how to give them. Her medical needs were so common place and such a normal part of our life. I don't think I ever gave them a second thought. When the Oxygen concentrator was delivered to our home for Maddox it was familiar. I already knew all about this machine and how it worked. It didn't make me nervous at all. The medications weren't that difficult, and the feeding tube didn't feel like such a big deal.
Some other experience came from a time in my life that I don't really like to talk about. These were some of my darkest days, and ones that I had never found a reason to be grateful for, until now. In May of 2002 my boyfriend was diagnosed with cancer. I spent months at the hospital with him, and at that time became very familiar with the hospital and the way things work there. I had good and bad experiences. I was glad when that time in my life was over. Looking back now I can see how even that time prepared me for now. That experience combined with my experience with Maddox has given me a different perspective than I could have gained otherwise.
I look at life differently now. I try and enjoy each moment. I am learning that every trial and experience prepares us for the future, especially the hard ones. I am thankful that God loves us enough to prepare us and that He gives us the tools we need to overcome all things.
"there is no strugle for which the Atonement of Jesus Christ is not sufficient."
